Well....2003
draws to a close. So many jobs, so many clues and so many
implausible accents employed simply to allow the performer to make a
cheap pun.
Roll on 2004!
At the last show of 2003,
Neil was the man who uses a giraffe to change the 389th bulb of the
5001 green fairy lights at the Vatican
On Sunday 21st
December 2003, Paul was the man who uses a stethscope to refill the
Nissan hot air hand dryer in the House of Lords with hot air carried
in a cabbage
On Wednesday December 17th, Lee was the man who
puts the Tinkerbell size, pink lightbulb on the top of Salisbury
cathederal on Midsummer's Evev.
On Sunday December 14th, Neil
was the man who sharpens the crayon that is used to plait the tail
of Tony Blair's horse whose name is Camilla.
On Wednesday
December 10th, Andy was the man who spomges and fettles trhe pots
that are used to hold lager in Jamaica.
On Wednesday November
19th, Lee was the man who trains ferrets to oil the wheels of the
cable cars in Holland.
On Sunday November 16th, Andy was the
man who ties Beefy - the miniature poodle - onto the limousine at
Sado/Masochist weddings in Denver, Colarado.
On Wednesday
November 12th, Suki Webster was the guy who tanslates the
instruction manual from Taiwanese to Welsh for the skateboard that
is inside a Kinder surprise egg.
On Sunday November 9th,
Stephen Frost was the man who cleans people's arses.
On
Wednesday November 5th, Stephen Frost was the man who lures male
rabbits with a monkey wrench and puts them in a metal cage to
impregnate the female rabbit in Guatamala.
On Sunday November
2nd, Richard was the man who stands the wheel trim from the Pope's
De Lorean against the London Eye.
On Sunday October 19th,
Andy was the man who shapes the croissant wheels on the wheeley bin
with the slogan " Get Down and Funky"
On Wednesay October
15th, Suki Webster was the Caribou panner who uses an "ulu" (
i.e. the moose slayer who uses the special knife "UluI and I don't
know if that is the correct spelling nor do I care)to take out
the burnt cornflakes in a family size packet.
On Sunday
October 12th, Andy was the man who fills the cracks in the main
runway at Heathrow Airport with flour and an iron on December
28th.
On Wednesday October 8th, Steve Steen was the man who
puts the metal clip on on Action Man's socks using the Encyclopaedia
Brittanica in Antarctica.
On Wednesday September 24th, Suki
Webster was the person who stood in a red skip and lit the Space
Shuttle engines in Swaziland.
On Sunday Sptember 21st,
Stephen Frost was Santa Claus' understudy who puts the bar cod on
Ribena at Cole's in Nicaragua with freshly groomed
caterpillars.
On Wednesday September 17th, Stephen Frost was
the man with the Brazilian wax who staples the cream into Bourbon
biscuits in the family size packs in Budapest.
On Sunday
September 14th, Richard was the man who uses a cricket bat to put
the cheese donger into the middle of morris dancers' bells in
Peckham.
On Saturday September 13th at Bryanston school, Andy
was Pansie the fairy who helps the cobbler make shoea for Marks and
Spencers in Uzbekistan.
On Wednesday September 10th, Neil was
the man who builds domino trains out of car registration plates with
a toothpick to help starving ants in Bangor.
On Monday
September 8th at Shakespeare's Globe, Paul was the man who sells
blood plasma to Michael Jackson's monkey groomer who grooms with a
hot air balloon.
On Sunday September 7th, Andy was the hula
girl who hulas with a chainsaw at the opening of the new Safeways
store in Kidderminster.
On Wednesday September 3rd, Lee was
the man who made the felt mallets that are used to play the
vibraphone at the beginning of the second half of "Phantom of the
Opera" at Grimsby town hall.
On Sunday August 31st, Richard
was the man who combs hedgehogs with Bran Flakes and uses their
spines to hold the cheese and pineapple at Jimmy Saville's wedding
in Mesopotamia.
On Wednesday August 27th, Andy was the man
who tests the angry eyes for Mr Potato Head in a photo developingy
room with a toothpick.
On Sunday August 24th, Suki Webster
was the person who crosses out the " Dry Clean Only" sign on the
labels of the souvenir T- shirts (made from cat shavings ) from the
London Dungeons.
On Wednesday August 20th, Richard was the
man who trains the monkey that teaches George W Bush to say " I've
got a brand new combine harvester" when he speaks on TV.
On
Sunday August 17th, Neil was the priest who was also an Elvis
impersonator and he backcombed cats' fur to provide electricity for
Frankenstein's monster.
On Wednesday August 13th, Lee was the
man who unbends Uri Geller's spoons and uses them to polish the
false teeth of badgers.
On Sunday August 10th Lee was the man
who played the drumbeats at the end of EastEnders' Christmas Day
episode using cucumbers, an episode which was dubbed into the
language of Papua New Guinea.
On Sunday July 27th, Suki was
the person who pours molasses over the keyboards of the computers in
the internet cafe in Virgin Megastore in Totenham Court
Road.
Normal service will be resumed shortly
On
Wednesday July 16th, Lee was the man who built the Lego model of
Darth Vade - with the talking function - on the fifth floor of
Hamleys.
At the last show at the Manchester Comedy Store on
Tuesday 15th July, Andy was the man who put the elctronic "Funeral
March" music into the birthday card for the blood clotter whose
birthday is February 29th.
On Sunday July 13th, Andy was the
Leonardo Da Vinci lookalike who drives the safety car at the Hawaian
Grand Prix whilst painting the stripes on wasps.
On Wednesday
July 9th, Richard was the man who develops the Tesco's own brand
film in the speed camera at Charles de Gaulle airport and he does so
with his own urine.
On Sunday July 6th, Andy was the man who
wears down jeans ( Aged 9 - 11) for Mothercare in Scunthorpe with a
hedgehog
On Wednesday July 2nd, Richard was the man who
cleans the contact lenses of the tracosaurus dinosaur at the Natural
History Museum with an aligator every Tuesday
On Sunday June
29th, Neil was the entomologist who collects the space insects from
the cape of Metronome Man, the superhero who checks that all the
metronomes in the world are ticking in time.
On Wednesday
June 25th, Andy was the man who catches baby pigeons for Hugh Hefner
using a video camera and a hoover.
On Sunday June 22nd, Lee
was the man who drills the guide holes in IKEA fltpack furniture
using a blind albatross.
On Wednesday June 18th, Lee was the
man who crimps the badger and beaver filled ravioli with
eyecurlers.
On Tuesday June 17th, Stephen Frost was the man
who castrates octopus with a toothpick to make the sound of an aair
raid siren on the Norway/Sweden border.
On Sunday June 15th,
Phelim McDermott was the man who inspects the corgis that have been
groomed with water from a fountain in Reigate
Here's some more in a different order:
On Sunday 5th January 2003 Neil was the person who puffs on the Queen's
silver before it's polished by Adolph Hitler using a badger.
On Wednesday 8th January 2003 Lee was the person who digs the graves for
burial at sea in the Adriatic of chicken giblets in a plastic bag.
On Sunday 12th January 2003 Neil was the person who drills 3 holes in a 16
pound bowling ball using small children, for Penisman.
On Wednesday 15th January 2003 Andy was the person who wrangles fleas with a
whip to sculpt a grain of rice into the dimples of a golf ball.
On Sunday 19th January 2003 Richard was a former PE teacher who is now a
Bollywood actor, who also pushes HRT pills out of their foil packaging.
On Tuesday 21st January 2003 Andy was the person who uses a sledgehammer to
point the 4th wheel of a trolley at Tesco's in Bury, Lancashire, in the
direction of Baghdad.
On Wednesday 22nd January 2003 Lee was the person who teaches English to
Japanese air traffic controllers at Teeside Airport.
On Sunday 26th January 2003 Paul was the person who allocates bodies left to
medical science to flower arrangers in Buenos Aires who use them for lilly
arrangements.
On Wednesday 29th January 2003 Andy was the person who uses rainbows to make
the swirls for Pope John Paul II's medium sized marbles.
On Sunday 2nd February 2003 Richard was the chief snood knitter whose hobby
is poking macarel in Hull and Grimsby.
On Wednesday 5th February Andy was the man who chews rye bread for gummy
chickens used in Heinz cream of chicken soup, who has a pet zebra.
On Sunday 9th February 2003 Niall was the person who takes photos of peas of
the 3 ton packets of frozen petit pois for Virgin in Cleethorps.
On Monday 10th February 2003 Andy was the salesman of 1 metre square teflon
dusters used for cleaning the heads of (bald) old men in Bangkok.
On Tuesday 11th February 2003 Andy was the person who uses a Bishop to put
the widgets into huge cherryaid bottles in Madiera.
On Wednesday 12th February 2003 Niall was the man who pours the exact amonut
of water into the spirit levels used by underwater wind surfing instructors
to check that the balance of the board is correct.
On Friday 14th February 2003 Lee was the person who forces George W Bush to
eat rhubarb on his birthday using a cattle prod on Mount Kilamanjaro.
On Sunday 16th February 2003 Suki was the hermaphrodite who repairs the
lightbulbs inside coffins for Gossard in Solihull.
On Tuesday 18 February 2003 Andy was the person who uses a waffle iron to
open the eyes of the corpse of L Ron Hubbard prior to embalming in Marmite in
Venezuela.
On Wednesday 19th February 2003 Josie was the person who tantrically and on
ice trains lolly-pop people wearing a babygrow in Iceland.
On Friday 21th February 2003 Steve Steen was the person who kills aphids at
Kew Gardens using Prince Phillip's nose hairs, and uses them to wrap lettuce.
On Saturday 22nd February 2003 Richard was the person who ties up bunches of
organic spring onions from 5 to 9 for a wage of 2.75 an hour.
On Sunday 23rd February 2003 Andy was the person who tunes to C sharp the
tuning forks made out of cow dung for the Michellin Man.
On Tuesday 25th February 2003 Andy was the person who repairs crash test
dummies with dog food for Buzz Lightyear in Middle Earth.
On Wednesday 26th February 2003 Lee was the dinner-lady-boy assassin from the
Sahara who was going to kill Posh and Becks with a rabbit.
On Friday 28th February 2003 Richard was the person who built Noah's ark out
of Larch wood using plastic straws and pencil sharpeners in two and a half
days in Siberia.
On Sunday 2nd March 2003 Paul was the person who collects the 3/6d toll on
the tollbridge from Skegness to Norway wearing pink wellies.
On Wednesday 5th March 2003 Lee was the man who chooses the name 'Bjornson'
for the footstool for Ikea at the Taj Mahal.
On Friday 7th March 2003 Richard was the person who uses tweezers to open
Tower Bridge on Wednesday evenings for the SS Genitals.
On Saturday 8th March 2003 Andy was the person who peels the table-tennis
onions with chopsticks and spits in the burgers at McDonalds in Tokyo.
On Sunday 9th March 2003 Richard was ths man who smoothes out the sand for
David Hasslehof on the beach in Birmingham using a chicken, wearing clingfilm.
On Wednesday 12th March 2003 Richard was the person who paints the flagpole
on the North Circular Road, who is obsessed with licking stamps and eats
rhubarb to provide enough saliva.
On Sunday 16th March 2003 Paul was the person who transliterates the lyrics
of songs about Cornish pastie crimping from obscure foreign languages so that
Westerners can understand them.
On Tuesday 18th March 2003 Andy was the man who shapes the sideburns of the
Star Trek characters on Shrove Tuesday using bat's milk.
On Wednesday 19th March 2003 Neil was the man who makes clogs out of
potassium and puts the sugar on Frosties in the miniature size boxes for J-Lo
(Jennifer Lopez).
On Sunday 23rd March 2003 Richard was the man who punches the holes in
Mohammed Ali's right boxing glove with a swordfish which was caught on
Captain Pugwash's rudder.
On Wednesday 26th March 2003 Andy was the person who skydives naked while
being a continuity announcer for Granada Men and Motors and mixing tartan
paint.
On Sunday 30th March 2003 Richard was the man who, on King Arthur's square
table, sews the labels into the pants of the man who clears the dead pigeons
from Trafalgar Square using a leaf blower.
